Recently I’ve been getting in a few fights with people about how bad iTunes and iPods are so I thought I’d spell it out for people so I can refer back to this post later. If anyone has anything to add please feel free to add things in the comments.

Let me preface this rant by saying that I’m never buying an apple product ever again.

edit - I couldn’t be arsed typing out my long rant again so I just copied and pasted from a facebook wall conversation I had. I’ve edited out the really offensive stuff but it’s probably still a little offensive so please use reading discretion. Or something.

iPods - the cheap and nasty mp3 player

Dear god let the horror please stop. Are you really truly honestly trying to tell me that I have to scroll through 80gb of music by starting at A and spinning my thumb like a teenager confronted with a clitoris for the first time? Blindly hoping it’ll give me what we both want but in fact causing deep emotional scaring (and a little friction burn).

HOW ABOUT LETTING ME USE SOME MANNER OF FUCKING DIRECTORY NAVIGATION. Did microsoft’s invention of windows pass you by? Too busy shaving your balls I imagine to pay attention to such things as usability.

And how about being able to scroll from A to Z, like without having to go through all those other letters in between. It is a click-WHEEL after all. a WHEEL. That’s a round object that spins freely in EITHER DIRECTION. I don’t buy a wheel for my car and get asked “which direction of wheel would you like sir?”.

And how about the ‘Album’ list. One might think it’s a list of all the albums in my music collection.

…But you’d be fucking wrong. Instead it’s a list of all the albums, that all the songs in my collection belong to. So let’s say for example I’m not 12. Or a flea ridden fucking designer who shaves his armpits. Assuming I’m not ENTIRELY a sheep I’m going to have music (yes, Apple, that probably belongs to an album) WITHOUT THE REST OF THE ALBUM. Dear heaven’s watson what on earth are we going to do with them? Apple: SHIT, I’m scared by this free thinking, let’s just ignore them.

Again - the cover flow. Nice idea apple except when I have 80gb of music. You really expect me to scroll through several months worth of music by looking at pictures. Only if all the albums had a picture of steve jobs dead on them.

Oh yeah - and if you’re GOING to have a database, allow me to create one to many relationships, like assigning a song to more than one artist so that when I’m browsing by artist I can find the song numerous different ways. But that’s like a nice to have. Make it USABLE first.

Then there’s the little things - and I could go on a long time here, but things like allowing me to play an individual folder in shuffle. OH NO FUCKING WAIT YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN FOLDERS. THEY MUST BE THE FUCKING ANTI CHRIST OR SOMETHING. Cos I swear to god apple are pissing me off about as much as c********s right now. The ignorant irrational stupid idiots.

Or what about allowing me to change the size of the text on the screen? So if, for example, I’m not blinded by my own stupidity and can actually READ then let me fit a few more lines on each screen. That way it might take me a little less time to scroll through my entire music collection each time.

There’s an ending involving grease fires and dying and alters and crosses and c********s and apple fans somewhere in there but I’m worried it’s offensive so I’ll leave it up to your imagination.

And don’t even get me started on iTunes.